Sunday, February 19, 2017

What I Will Do With My Prehensile Tail

There are many reasons why a prehensile tail would be useful. And fun! Especially if I was the only person who had one. Here are a few of them:

For Balance
the uses of a prehensile tail
A long, prehensile tail would be great for those times when I need a little extra support. Like when perched at the edge of a dangerous cliff. Or perhaps at the end of a vigorous night drinking with friends. Like a third leg, the tail could form a tripod of stability to save me from getting embarrassed or even injured!

As a Conversation Piece
There's no better way to break the ice at an awkward social function than to unveil a glorious prehensile tail, capable of astonishing feats of practical dexterity. While some may find it strange or even creepy, all fears would be quailed when I display its ability to crack open a beer, change the music, or even light a friend's cigar. "So...what's with the tail?" They might ask. "I'm Brian. Let me tell you the story!"

For Multitasking
More than once I've wished I could clone myself. But really a clone is just an annoying identical twin. So in reality, the best way to get more things done simultaneously would be to have another appendage. Like a tail! I could cook eggs and fire up the espresso machine at the same time. Or hold a coffee mug while my hands are full with the latest Stephen King novel. The usefulness of a prehensile tail for multitasking is obvious!

To Tap People on the Shoulder
A long tail would be immensely useful at getting people's attention. It could be done in all seriousness, like over the cubicle walls at the office. Or as a joke, like sitting on the bar stool next to an unsuspecting prank victim. Tap, tap, tap. Who's there? What the?!

For That Part of My Back I Can Never Reach
There is that one swatch on my back that I can just never get to. Whether it's itchy, sore, or just needs a dab of sunscreen, the damn piece of skin is always a tease; the only part of my body I just can't reach. Problem solved with my dexterous and flexible tail!

As Means to Hang Upside Down While I Sleep
It works for bats, why not for me? All that blood rushing to your head must surely make for some vibrant dreams. My only concern is if it lost its grip in the middle of the night, sending me on a headfirst, groundward spiral!

For Climbing Trees (Of Course)
Scientists seem in general concurrence that the main function of a prehensile tail is to enhance the arboreal qualities of primates. Humans have an opposable thumb, which makes gripping tree branches (and just about everything else) possible. There is no doubt, however, that monkeys are far superior at climbing trees due to the practicality of their tails. I want one!

To Show When I'm Excited
Nothing gets a tail whipping around faster than a bit of excitement. Like when my wife tells me dinner is ready. Or when we're loading up in the car to go on a drive. I can imagine that tail would really add an element to the excitement of a lot of things!

For ?
I'm sure as I got used to my new appendage I would discover all sorts of excellent, hilarious and practical uses for a prehensile tail that I'd never thought of before. The mystery of what I might learn is quite possibly the most exciting part of all!

As always thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this whimsical and nonsensical post, found it somehow enlightening, or just plain want to hate on me, consider commenting below. Better yet, sign up for my weekly mailing list. Not only will I love you forever (unless, of course, you actually do want to hate on me), but I will reciprocate by reading, signing up for and actively commenting on your blog (should you have one, if not, I'll brainstorm another way to repay you.) Generally I enjoy blathering on about anything from the novel writing process to Giant Redwoods to the Ancient Maya and more.

find us on facebook

All writing is the original work of Brian Wright and may not be copied, distributed, re-printed or used any form without express written consent of the author. Find out here how to CONTACT me with publishing and/or use questions


  1. Now I want a prehensile tail too! I could brush my teeth while reading a paperback.