Sunday, June 25, 2017

Thou Beef-Witted Deformity!: Fun With the Shakespearean Insult Generator

Let's face, creatively insulting someone is one of the most important skills a writer (and a human) can possess. There's nothing worse than sinking to an overused, cliche invective to slam your hated rival. Such times demand a fresh blade of words to cut deepest.

Enter, the Shakespearean insult generator and the Shakespeare insult kit, a neat pair of internet toys that allow you (in a sort of mad lib-esque way) to generate Elizabethan insults that are sure to draw blood from your foes.

As a writer, the Shakespearean insult generator is also useful to infuse a little verisimilitude into your medieval characters' diction. While many fantasy writers employ modern curse words, mixing in a few authentic-sounding taunts will help you suspend your audience's disbelief .

So let's take a look at a few randomly generated Shakespearean insults and ponder their meanings:

The Shakespearean insult kit
William Shakespeare, the ultimate insultist
Beef-witted deformity
A personal favorite. No need to ponder the meaning of this one, it seems rather appropriate for any number of idle-headed lewdsters I've seen waltzing the thoroughfares of my hometown.

Lumpish milk-livered joithead
A more advanced Elizabethan insult, reserved for those fly-bitten giglets you really want to curse. Mostly nonsensical, this should be reserved for the blobby, lump-resembling pumpions whose brainless antics entice such vile cruelty.

Pribbling half-faced puttock
A perfect one for those brainless oaf types. To pribble means to speak nonsensically and a puttock is defined as "a person likened to a bird of prey in being considered greedy, grasping, or rapacious."

Fensucked fustilarian
You have to love these alliterative insults; they roll off the tongue like bitter honey. This excellent affront for the clay-brained coxcomb of your family, translates to modern speak as essentially a low-ranked sluggard who was reared in a marsh.

Gorbellied sheep-biting skainsmate
This libelous invective has a good deal going on within its four words. Gorbellied means, in essence, "bog bellied" or round bellied. Corpulent might be a good synonym. Sheep biting, while generating a rather humorous and vivid image, requires little explanation. Skainsmate literally translates to "companion in arms" but apparently (according to one source) had implications of prostitution in Shakespeare's time.

Spleeny canker blossom
Another to-the-point bit of scorn that is sure to off-seat your foes. Someone who is spleeny is one "displays too much spleen," which in Elizabethan times meant apparently "fretful, nervous, and not wholesome to one's cause." A canker blossom, on the other hand, has a lovely double-meaning which displays just why Shakespearean language is so effective. First, it refers to literally a flower that has been eaten by canker worms, but also refers to the open sores of an infectious skin disease (often venereal in origin) that resemble these rotting, half-eaten flowers.

Ruttish elf-skinned moldwarp
This slight is excellently thorough. The word ruttish implies an over-tendency towards sexual arousal (perhaps you have heard of elk or deer being in "the rut), elf-skinned implies a shrunken, pale appearance, and moldwarp is just an archaic term for an earth-dwelling creature, particularly a mole.

Earth-vexing dewberry
A less-vicious attack suitable perhaps to insult someone you might usually enjoy but for some reason has earned a moment of ingratitude. Someone who is "earth-vexing" is one who stands in the way of the progress of man and his world. A dewberry is literally a berry, closely related to the blackberry. A diminutive insult even if the object it evokes is rather delicious.

Odiferous cacodemon
A straight-forward insult that embraces a deeper sense of brevity than most on this list. Odiferous means (obviously) smelly, and a cacodemon is a malevolent spirit or person.

Sodden-witted toad
Another concise insult that begs little explanation. Vex your enemies by insulting their intelligence and appearance!

No you have the tools necessary not only to carve up your rivals with words but to sound supremely more intelligent in the process!

Generated your own frothy, flapmouthed insults:

-The Shakespearean insult kit
-Insult Dream's Shakespearean Insult Generator
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When not dreaming up ways to creatively insult people, Brian occasionally writes about other, sometimes more serious, topics like the consequences of building fences between us and our neighbors, or the potentially damaging effects of social media on our culture. He is also a news reporter, essayist and spends as much of his free time as possible working on one or more of his unfinished novel projects which he hopes to one day see on your bookshelf. You can sign up for his mailing list and expect the full expression of his gratitude. Don't worry, all you will get is a weekly email updating you on his most recent musings.

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All writing is the original work of Brian Wright and may not be copied, distributed, re-printed or used any form without express written consent of the author. Find out here how to CONTACT me with publishing and/or use questions

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Ten Facts About the Ancient Mayans You Probably Didn't Know

The civilization of the ancient Mayans is among the most intriguing in history. At once primitive, with their practice of human sacrifice, yet strikingly advanced with their incredible understanding of astronomy, the Mayans were a civilization of mixed cultural evolution. They have captivated modern society with their elusive mysteries, massive pyramids and remarkably accurate calendar that came, as so many think, to abrupt end on December 21, 2012.

Many components of Mayan history remain a mystery. During the Age of Conquest, colonizers like the Spanish burned many important historical documents (in the name of religion) that could have taught us many things about Mayan society. Though we have been able to piece together much from the inscribed codices and stela at many Mayan sites, much still remains to pieced together to understand these amazing people.

Ten interesting facts about the ancient Mayans:

1. The Mayans did not think the world would end on December 21, 2012
The Mayans were obsessed with tracking time, and they operated under two separate but interwoven calendars. The fabled date of December 21, 2012 has long been misunderstood in contemporary times as a prediction of the end of the world. However, the date was simply the end of one "Long Count" cycle called a b'ak'tun. This would have been the cause of a great celebration for the ancient Maya, but there is no evidence to support that they thought it would mark the end of the world.

2. The Mayans vigesimal numbering system was far more advanced and efficient than the Roman's
The Mayans used a base 20 (vigesimal) numerical system that required far fewer, and far less convoluted, symbols than the Roman numerical system. Based on the number of human digits (fingers and toes), Mayan numbers were easy for traders to use in markets.

3  The Mayans practiced human sacrifice, but not nearly as much as you think
Mel Gibson's portrayal of the Mayans in the movie Apocalypto as blood-thirsty purveyors of extreme human sacrifice was pure nonsense. Though, as nearly every other culture in Mesoamerica, the Mayans did engage in ritual sacrifice, they did so in far less numbers than did other of their contemporaries and successors, notably the Aztecs.

4. The Mayans were not a singular, unified culture
As opposed to say, the Romans, the Mayans did not think of themselves as a unified culture and they had no central leadership. They were instead a series of interconnected city-states who shared a common belief system and architectural style.

5. The Mayans two greatest cities of the classical period were ever at war
The two greatest cities in classical Mayan history, which are now called Tikal and Calakmul, were ever at war. Fighting at least three major war cycles with each other, these two great cities continually leap-frogged each other for predominant power over the central Mayan lowlands.

6. The commoners of the ancient Mayan culture lived better lives than do many in the same present-day region
The commoners of the Mayan world were not slaves (in fact, the Mayans practiced very little slavery) and lived quite healthy and prosperous lives. With an abundance of maize and domesticated livestock and well-constructed housing, Mayan commoners lived in better conditions than many in present-day Panama, Honduras, Guatemala and Belize, the present-day countries where much of the Mayan territory existed.

7. During the time of the Ancient Mayans, more people dwelt in their territories than in the same region today
The jungle wilderness of western Belize and Guatemala once hosted a large population of Mayans. Cities like Caracol and Tikal had populations as high as 150,000 people. This dwarfs the modern populations of the same region of the world.

8. Flattening the forehead was practiced by all castes of Mayan culture
The practice of flattening the forehead of an infant (by tying a board against their skull) was common not just among nobles but among the commoners as well. As one source notes, "It was simply done to make a Mayan look Mayan."

9. The Mayans domesticated Jaguars
The Mayans kept domesticated jaguars for the purpose of skinning them for their hides. Jaguar hide was a favorite clothing of the Mayan nobility. They also domesticated llamas and alpacas as well as dogs and other animals.

10. The Mayans did not use the wheel
Despite their construction of elaborate raised causeways known as sacbe (plural: sacebeob) the Mayans never utilized the wheel. This is likely because they had no beasts of burden such as horses, oxen or cattle available that could have drawn a carriage.
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If you enjoyed this post, consider signing up for my mailing list. I blog about all sorts of crazy, educational, entertaining, and occasionally funny topics from what makes an effective first paragraph in a novel to giant redwoodsmedieval sailboats, the ancient Mayans and more. If you do sign up, you will get a once-a-week update on my posts and NOTHING ELSE! No spam, no selling your email to third parties. Okay, if I ever get around to publishing one of these works in progress that are constantly haunting me, I might send out an email letting you know. In the meantime thanks for reading.

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All writing is the original work of Brian Wright and may not be copied, distributed, re-printed or used any form without express written consent of the author. Find out here how to CONTACT me with publishing and/or use questions


Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Everything I Needed to Know About Happiness I Learned From My Dog

Otis, the poster boy of happiness, in his element
My dog Otis, that ear-scratching, butt-sniffing, stomach-with-legs, dander factory is probably the happiest creature I've ever met. Sometimes I envy the peaceful simplicity of his life. Eat, sleep, love. That's about all that matters. And maybe a few hikes and games of Frisbee in-between.

But seriously, there are valuable lessons that can be learned from our pets. Things we can apply to our lives in order to live happier and be more content. 

A few readily applicable tricks I've gleaned from my dog that will enhance your life:

Enjoy the little things
An no-holds-barred roll in the snow or frolic through the grass is a great way to create the experience of pure joy. Just let everything go, damned to anyone watching, and indulge yourself in something simple and invigorating. A life lesson with no bottom to its practicality. Who cares if people think you're crazy? You probably are anyway.

digging a hole on the beach is better than an hour on social media
Digging a hole in the sand is a surprisingly
fulfilling way to kill an hour
Love your people, no matter what
One night I tried to act like my dog when my wife came home from work, wiggling my butt, leaping up and down incessantly, whirling in circles. She nearly called the doctor. But seriously, the pure joy of a dog every time they greet you is one of the most endearing things about their species. No matter what degree of ugly your day turned out to be, it is hard not to smile when your dog races out the door with its tail whipping like a pinwheel to greet you. A dog rarely gets mad and even when he does, he'll recklessly forgive and forget.

Sprawl out on the floor
Pick a spot on the floor (preferably in a crepuscular shaft of sunlight spilling in from the window) and just sprawl out for a few minutes. Nap on if you need to or just enjoy some worry-free moments letting your troubles bleed away into the carpet. When you roll back to your feet, I guarantee you'll be refreshed and ready to return to your full agenda of problems.

Be a messy eater
Perhaps best avoided when you are company at somebody's house but when it's just you and your people, don't be afraid to dig in to your dinner and get dirty. Probably not recommended to leave your wife to clean up the pieces (just because she's happy to do so after your dog doesn't mean she will be for you) but there is an argument to be made for pure, reckless eating.

Chasing a ball on an Alaskan beach is something to howl about
Live in the moment
Though dogs lack the tongue dexterity required to form human speech (and thus can't really tell us what they are thinking), I have a strong suspicion that Otis rarely worries about the choices he regrets not making, or wastes a day fretting about his job or finances. Otis enjoys the chewtoy in front of him and lets the rest fall into place.

Greet everyone as if they are your friend
Otis bounds toward every human or canine he meets with tail-flapping enthusiasm as if they were a long-estranged buddy. I, however, am a self-disposed, mistrustful, and preoccupied creature who tends to treat strangers like potential irritants or obstacles. If perhaps we as a species made a little more eye-contact and employed a few more friendly intentions, we might make slightly faster progress in the aim of making our world a better place.

Swim in that creek
Humans are so afraid of getting wet. We should just jump in that glacier-fed creek, damned to the consequences. Have one of your people throw in a stick for you to chase if that helps. Cold water is cleansing and invigoration. Just shake off afterwards and enjoy warming back up in the sunshine.

Clearly, a dog enjoys many perks to life humans are too stuffy and conceited to consider. The carefree simplicity of rest and love. The pleasure of reckless eating and the company of our people. Some may argue for the great advantages of being human. Like opposable thumbs and abstract thought. Reading books and pondering the nature of existence. But what really have any of those things done for us? They come with the terrible burden of civilization: anxiety, depression, jobs, wars, laws, etc, etc, etc. 

If you ask me all I have wanted all along was simply to curl into a donut on a basket bed and close my eyes for a nap....
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When not dreaming about becoming an animal, Brian occasionally writes about other, sometimes more serious, topics like the consequences of building fences between us and our neighbors, or the potentially damaging effects of social media on our culture. He is also a news reporter and essayist and spends as much of his free time as possible working on one or more of his unfinished novel projects which he hopes to one day see on your bookshelf. You can sign up for his mailing list and expect the full expression of his gratitude. Don't worry, all you will get is a weekly email updating you on his most recent musings.

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All writing is the original work of Brian Wright and may not be copied, distributed, re-printed or used any form without express written consent of the author. Find out here how to CONTACT me with publishing and/or use questions

Thursday, June 8, 2017

This Broken Earth

Good Friday earthquake photo of damage
Massive damage from the Good Friday Earthquake
of 1964 near Anchorage, AK
March 27, 1964. Good Friday. The Aluetian Subduction Zone--where the Pacific tectonic plate collides with the North American plate--suddenly ripped loose, unleashing a massive magnitude 9.2 earthquake. It was the largest seismic event in North American history and the second largest ever recorded in the world.

For nearly five minutes the ground rolled and buckled, heaved and plunged. When the land finally settled, the damage was catastrophic. In some places the ground had risen as much as 38 feet. In others it had sunk nearly the same amount. Downtown Anchorage was in ruins.

Even more destructive than the quake itself, however, was the tsunami that raced across the Pacific Ocean.

Inundated within minutes were Alaskan communities like Portage, Whittier, Valdez and Kodiak. The waves clawed onto the shores, running up as much as 220 feet above average sea level. And it didn't stop there. The tsunami sped across the broad ocean, moving nearly 500 mph, striking the west coast of the United States. Thirteen people were killed in Crescent City, California and another five along the coast of Oregon. The tsunami was eventually registered in a least 20 countries, including Japan, New Zealand, Peru and even Antarctica.

By the end of the day, at least 139 were killed and some $311 million dollars in damage had occurred.

Believe it or not, this is eventually leading to a book review....

Seward, Alaska immediately after the quake
Near the exact crosshairs for this incredible event was the little town of Seward, Alaska, the place where I now live. Though the town was rocked by the massive earthquake, Seward was mostly effected by the large tsunami which flooded through downtown, destroyed much of the old harbor and laid to waste the bulk of Seward's economy, killing 12 of the tiny town's citizens in the process.

Nearly a mile of Seward's coastline fell into the ocean, and burning oil from a destroyed refinery was washed inland, sometimes nearly a mile, by the tsunami. The land was cracked and fissured. The Earth was broken. It must have seemed like Hell.

This Broken Earth (An Earthquake-related Book Review)

(Note: there may be a few spoilers in this review. Though I was careful not to reveal any major plot points, since I am reviewing a sequel even my description of the setting may give away some important points of the series's first installment)

So since we are on the topic of massive earthquakes, it seems only fitting to segue into a fantasy novel that is about, well, massive earthquakes....

The Broken Earth Trilogy by N.K. Jemisin is modern fantasy series which replaces a stereotypical medieval setting with a distant future on a nearly unrecognizable Earth. The planet, ravaged by rampant earthquakes and massive tectonic motion, has reformed into what is, apparently, a new, one-continent Pangaea.

Another pleasingly original notion in the The Broken Earth is that the "magic" comes not from wizards, witches and warlocks but from "orogenes," people with the incredible ability to harness orogeny, which according to dictionary.com means "the process of mountain making or upheaval."

The series's first novel, The Fifth Season, begins in this futuristic Earth in the immediate aftermath of a enormous earthquake, a "ten pointer at least," which has launched the civilization into post apocalyptic survival mode. This unprecedented earthquake, which would dwarf even the massive 9.2 that rendered so much destruction here in Alaska, has laid to waste all of the careful constructs of the human culture known as The Stillness.  

Amazon scores: 222 reviews
5 star: 77%; 1 star: 1%
As some may recall, I reviewed the The Fifth Season in a blog post on March 16th, giving the original, Hugo Award winning installment a "4.2 out of 5 stars." I praised Jemisin for bringing something fresh to the fantasy genre and for her pleasingly complicated story structure. Today, I would like to take a look at The Obelisk Gate, the second in the unfinished trilogy.

One of the things that was so enjoyable about The Fifth Season was discovering the strange and interesting world of Jemisin's creation and learning about the unique structure of the world's "magic." The novelty and adventure were what made the pages of The Fifth Season cascade away (I read the novel in just a few days). In comparison to its predecessor, however, The Obelisk Gate unfortunately strikes out.

The setting for the second installment in the series is disappointingly static. Although the town which the main character, Essun, now lives is interesting (it is constructed inside the heart of a massive geode) the primary group of characters never leaves it. This underground setting quickly begins to feel claustrophobic. As a reader who was delighted in the first novel, I desperately wanted to explore more of this world but was instead forced to remain underground in a bizarre, hard-to-visualize crystal city whose walls seemingly shrank in around me.

Another disappointment in this follow-up was how The Obelisk Gate failed to live up the pleasing complexity of The Fifth Season. In the first book of the series, I found Jemisin's cleaver weaving of its the three plot arcs distinctly gratifying. In the sequel, however, no such intriguing complexity exists. Instead, the second plot arc is instead rather frustrating and actually even a bit uncomfortable. I found myself almost wanting to skim through it and return to Essun's story, which (as previously mentioned) was already proving to be a significant let down. 

And  then there is present tense, second person...

Why? Please, can somebody tell me why? Half of the novel, Essun's story, is written in irritating second person. In my opinion, and feel free to differ, this unconventional move does nothing positive for the story but instead only presents a significant obstacle that the novel has to overcome. It's like cruising along a scenic road and running into a sea of potholes. You have to bump and grind your way uncomfortably through it to navigate what should have been smooth and beautiful. It feels like a forced concept, a heavy-handed attempt at originality. For my money, this novel would have been far better without it.

At this point I feel like I have been overly harsh on The Obelisk Gate and it's not entirely fair. If so it's only because I liked the first novel so much I felt like The Obelisk Gate was a missed opportunity. I still blazed through the story in a matter of days and there's no doubt I will read book three when it comes out this fall. There was plenty quality writing, the premise is still fresh and original, and the action plays out into an exciting and page-turning conclusion. The novel's weaknesses (which most reviewers on Amazon didn't seem to mind as the novel has some of the best scores a book can get) were a mere dip in the series that I believe the third installment can can easily redeem. 

In the meantime, I can't help but wish we had an orogene here in Alaska that might be able to stop the next major earthquake, should one happen again.

*** Overall I give The Obelisk Gate three out of five stars 
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If you enjoyed this post, consider signing up for my mailing list. I blog about all sorts of crazy, educational, entertaining, and occasionally funny topics from what makes an effective first paragraph in a novel to giant redwoodsmedieval sailboats, the ancient Mayans and more. If you do sign up, you will get a once-a-week update on my posts and NOTHING ELSE! No spam, no selling your email to third parties. Okay, if I ever get around to publishing one of these works in progress that are constantly haunting me, I might send out an email letting you know. In the meantime thanks for reading.

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All writing is the original work of Brian Wright and may not be copied, distributed, re-printed or used any form without express written consent of the author. Find out here how to CONTACT me with publishing and/or use questions